Poo Llama
by CloudStryfe
Summary: Cloud and friends are forced to take up arms yet again when the Seventh Heaven Bar is taken by the evil Cheese Corporation. Crazy misadventures and zany happenings lead them to find the evil of all evil, Poo Llama......
1. She Who Is a Bitch

Poo Llama  
Another Random FFVII Story by Cloud_Stryfe  
  
Author's Note: Yeah, as you may know, I write the "Strifes and the Wallaces" series of stories. Or rather, I did. I mean, I still write them, but if you may notice, I haven't finished the final chapter of the third episode...I've gone brain-dead on it. I'd appreciate if you, the fans, may come up with some ideas on how to finish it. I have ideas for other episodes, but I can't write them without finishing the S&W3. Anyway, about this story. This is NOT a sequel to "Odditivity", my other random FF7 story...I want to leave that be. No, this is just another random FF7 story by me. So, I hope you enjoy this and HAVE A NICE DAY!  
Update- I added the third chapter!  
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Once upon a time, there was a guy named Cloud Strife. He had saved the world once before by the evil Sephiroth and Meteor. But why was Sephiroth so evil? There had to have been a greater force in the works, but what? There are many unanswered questions regarding Sephiroth and ShinRa and other such matters...but by reading this tale, all will be answered...this is the tale of...POO LLAMA!  
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Five years after Cloud and friends saved the world....  
  
"Hey! Get me a cheese and cucumber burrito, will ya, Tifa!", Cloud screamed across the bar. "Yeah yeah, keep ya pants on, ya bastad!", she screamed by.  
Tifa is working in the newly renovated "White Trash Seventh Heaven", with her only customers being Cloud, Barret, Cid, and Vincent. Seventh Heaven used to be a family restaurant, with delicious food and good times for all. Until about three years into the business, all their money was taken from them and they were forced to downgrade themselve's to a cheap ass, white trash restaurant. Not the most graceful of endings, but that's life.  
Barret guzzled down some Milk-Beer from a tippy-cup,"Y'know Cloud, ever since that guy from the Cheese industry came and took all your money, this place has gone seriously downhill."  
Suddenly, a cheese and cucumber burrito came flying through the air and hit Cloud in the face. He was instantly knocked out. "There's yer goddamn cheese and cucumber burrito, ya bastad!"  
Cid shook his head,"Tsk...tsk...tsk...I remember how happy we used to be after we beat Sephiroth. Those were the days..."  
Barret gave Cid a puzzled look,"The hell you talkin' about? The only good thing that happend to us was when Yuffie was suffocated in Materia and died. Everything else sucked."  
Vincent walked out of the bathroom and zipped up his pants,"Now now, I remember some fun things we did, like when we went to Happy-Go-Oh-Lucky Land."  
"What the...? How did you hear our conversation? You were in the damn bathroom! And besides, nothing good happened at Happy-Go-Oh-Lucky Land! We were miserable the whole time because Tifa wouldn't let us buy sodas and made us all share a kid's meal. And on top of all that, she called us 'ungrateful fahts (farts)'!", Barret said in his loud and obnoxious way.  
Cid, who was on the floor eating the cheese and cucumber burrito off of Cloud's face, responded,"Well it wasn't all bad, we did win those giant, stuffed animal pigs!"  
"Yes, but when we were trying to win them, we were under the impression that they were like...stuffed pigs that you put on your bed or something, not ACTUAL stuffed pigs.", Vincent said while trying to bite his shoulder.  
The three continued to argue. Amidst the fighting, Tifa came out from behind the bar and sprayed Cloud with a high powered hose,"Wake up, ya faht!". Cloud woke up, blasting upward and getting his head jammed into the roof. "MmRjkgfjmkmmrkmkmrmrmrmrrrmrrrrrMRMMMMR!!"  
"What'd he say?"  
"I think he said 'Oh dear, I seemed to have wet myself'!"  
"No, it sounded more like 'Get me down you idiots'!"  
"Psh...why would he say THAT?!"  
"Yeah, you're right.................think we should help 'im?"  
"....."  
"....."  
"....."  
"Nah."  
  
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This story is going to take place over a long period of time. It will be a comedy, of course. But this story will have a touch of action! I hope you enjoy the exciting tale of...Poo Llama!  
  



	2. In a Bath House

Poo Llama: Chapter 2  
  
"We're SORRY Cloud! God! When're you gonna forgive us?!", Barret complained. Cloud was sitting in one of the wrecked booths, arms crossed and pouting,"Well MAYBE if you had pulled me out yesterday and didn't wait till today, I won't be so fucking pissed!". Barret 'psh'ed,"Yeah, whatever Cloud. You can go on another one of your little hissy fits. But I'm not letting it ruin MY day! Oh ho no!".  
With that, Barret stormed out of the restaurant. Cid looked baffled,"Yeah...okay. I'd say that went pretty well!". Cloud slapped Cid upside the head.  
  
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Barret was in his 1945 Beetle. You can imagine how silly he looked, the local children threw cheese at him and laughed. He was driving to his favorite hang out (besides White Trash Seventh Heaven), the 'Pool'. Little did Barret know, his second favorite hangout was a men's bath house.  
He blasted down the road at a roaring 25 MPH! He hit a few squirrels here and there, a couple cattle and a wooly mammoth. After about three and a half hours, he reached the Pool.  
He waltzed in, literally, and knocked the door open. A chinese man with a thong was behind the counter. "THREE DOLLAH!", he screamed. Barret jumped back,"Alright Sergio! Relax!". He reached into his pocket and pulled out two one dollar bills, 99 pennies and a booger. After which he threw them at Sergio and walked in.  
A machine automatically stripped him of all his clothing and a skimpy towel fell on his head. "I...am Sancho...", he thought to himself as he placed it on his crotch. He then walked down a long hallway lined with doors. Some had numbers on them, others had letters, and some had ebonics. Throughout the hallway, grunting noises could be heard behind each door, and still, Barret remained oblivious.  
After what seemed like hours (and it was), he reached a door that said "Crap: Barret" on it. What did this mean? Well nothing really, chances are that this door was constructed by a retarded Sophmore. Barret took it upon himself to walk into the room. Inside were seven and a half beds, two vietnamese men, an australian midget, a south african man-whore, and a french hermaphrodite. Everyone in the room was playing cards, not Poker, like you may think. They were playing a heated game of "Go Fish" on an ejaculation encrusted table.  
Barret came in, sat on one of the beds and sighed. The south african man-whore came up to Barret and sat next to him. "What's wrong, Care-Bear?", he asked sympathetically.  
Barret leaned on his shoulder,"It's nothing, Schmelly, Cloud just got all mad at me and stuff and hurt my feelings real bad. REAL BAD. Like, way down deep inside, where I'm soft, like a woman..."  
Schmelly gasped, taken quite aback, as well as everyone else in the room. Schmelly patted Barret on the back,"It's okay Care-Bear, it takes time to heal, but it will heal...it will heal.  
Barret smiled a smile of relief,"Thanks Schmelly...that makes me feel a lot better..." Suddenly, a danish man ran by the window screaming,"WOULD YOU LIKE SOME STRUDEL!". Yes, he was danish.  
Care-Bear...err...Barret stuck around for a while longer and played Go Fish until the sun set. When suddenly, the building was lifted up from around them, causing the ground to shake savagely. Barret and the rest of the gang flew onto the ground and the cards were sprawled everywhere. Sergio ran out to the giant machine lifting the building off the ground screaming,"THREE DOLLAH! THREE DOLLAH!".  
The machine places the building on a flat spead on the back of itself. There were gay men and she-males sprawled everywhere. Barret got up and knocked on the driver's door. It opened. "EXCUSE ME!", Barret started with a tude. "What, may I ask, do you think you're doing.  
The man inside, responded,"It was an order directly from the Cheese Corporation. I'm just doing my job, buddy. So get out of here before I give you malaria!". The man pulled out one of the injector thingies and Barret scampered away. The machine drove off into the sunset.  
Barret looked up at the sky and screamed,"DAMN YOU, CHEESE CORPORATION! DAAAAAAMMMMMNNNNN YYYYYOOOOOUUUU!!!!!"  



End file.
